Posted by a friend on FB…
I’m in a big-ass funk today and my first inclination was to just skip writing. But that would be a very “deflated” thing to do. Then I thought, maybe I will just give it some time. Wait until I feel like I’m in a better mood…more inspiring, which of course would be my preferred “inflated” place to write from and not necessarily better despite the fact I personally judge it as preferable. Regardless, feeling better about life, myself or the world never did quite happen today. Now it’s nighttime and I’m finally settling in to write what there is to write after the remnants of my day.
Spoiler alert. It isn’t going to be pretty.
Let me start by saying this. I’ve tried to take the upcoming astrological shit storm into consideration. And while it may appear to be chaos in so many ways, our world really is due for a chaotic breakdown to finally see some of the absolute bullshit crumble that we have experienced for at least the last couple of hundred years, if not more like the last 2000. For the luckiest of us, we have been rather apart from it, and just because we haven’t lived it firsthand, and while some of dust might sprinkle over onto us, doesn’t mean isn’t beyond time for it to go. And at the forefront of most of it? A misogynistic society.
According to a google search, Misogyny is “a dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women”.
If you don’t think this isn’t a prevailing theme in the world, you have your head in the sand. Mostly I think we are just afraid to talk about it. It’s easy to judge or point fingers or jump on the more obviously confusing or socially confronting sexual themes unfolding in the world, but the dark dysfunction often in our own backyards is treated as taboo to be spoken of. Things are obviously fucked up in other parts of the world, and less obvious so here, but only because we look the other way.
I suspect something around this is going to be coming to a head. In addition to the funk I’m feeling, I’ve gotten little signs here and there. The other day I did my daily “wordle” and the word I incorrectly entered was “abide”. The word it turned out to be was “alive”. I was left thinking about how half-alive I sometimes live, just going through the motions, trying to make it safely to death. Not that I want to die anytime soon, but I hope to have enough money to make it to whenever that end might be. But what is the definition of “abide”? According to the New Oxford American Dictionary: 1) “accept or act in accordance with” and 2) be able to tolerate. There are so many things we abide and are able to as long as it doesn’t get too close to home. Yet, we know it is messed up. We just don’t believe there is anything we can do about it.
Any woman I’ve ever had a deep conversation has some bullshit story about something that happened to her at the hands of a man…and most of those women either never told anyone or, if they did, never did experience any recourse. The definition of “recourse” is “a source of help in a difficult situation”. I truly believe, this is going to be one of those areas where some scales are going to be balancing over the next 20 years, starting sooner than later.
First a bit about the upcoming Astrology. In the month of February there are going to be 7 astrological conjunctions.
A conjunction is defined (google search) in astrology as an aspect where two planets sit at 8 degrees apart or less on an astrological chart. This placement creates a blending effect where the planets involved meld together and become a singular energy. This influential duo is considered a powerhouse in a chart reading.
An astrological natal chart is separated into 12 different “houses”, and it reflects where the planets were in the skies at the time of your birth. If you compare that to where the planets are in the sky at any time in the present, you can see where they are in relation to where they were at the time you were born, and a trained eye can see what areas of your life (or the greater world) may be affected.
In February, there are multiple planets that will be coming into conjunction with others that haven’t done so in over 250 years. Also, all of the planets in February are direct, which means moving forward. At some times, planets are stationed such that they appear to be going in reverse, and that results in different sort of things occurring during those times, but when they are all direct it can be said that the last chance for cleaning up our act is essentially behind us, and new beginnings are on the horizon. New beginnings are often the result of abrupt endings of the way things “used” to be. One can only hope.
On February 5, we experience the conjunction of Mercury conjunct Pluto.
On February 9, we experience the conjunction of the Aquarius Sun conjunct the Aquarius new Moon.
On February 14, both Venus and Mars conjunct Pluto
And shortly thereafter, the Sun conjuncts Mercury; Mercury conjuncts Saturn; and the Sun conjuncts Saturn.
There will likely be unexpected and shocking things happening in the world at large, and most likely close to home, as well. Pluto is a planet of crisis…and it’s energy is often related to shaping us out of a crisis. Whether it affects us close to home is beside the point. There aren’t just things going on in distant lands that are easy to ignore thinking they aren’t our problems, but there are also a fuck ton of problems right under own noses that we tend not to deal with.
I feel like it’s some of those things that are going to be shaken up in the near future. Not just collectively, but potentially closer to home, as well.
Some of these changes could entail literal downloads into our psyche where we wake up and think differently than we ever have before and suddenly tap into to our soul’s purpose, which had been barely a whisper prior. One morning we are informed: It’s “go time”. Both the social and economic state of the world could be affected, which might bring new direction of interests individually.
I have a feeling this is already started to affect me, based on my particularly pensive mood today.
If I had to pick one thing in the world that really nags at me, it is sex trafficking. In fact, sex in general has always been a very confusing subject to me. Mostly, that has been in the arena of what is fucked up about it. I suspect this is an area I will ultimately talk a lot more about in the future, and to be honest, I’m dreading it. It isn’t just because of things that happened specifically to me, it’s because of the hundreds of stories I’ve heard from people I personally know.
I usually start writing my post sometime Saturday morning, so I can post it by the evening. Often it takes me all day, into the evening, usually because I ebb and flow…procrastinating…chasing squirrels…whatever…until I finally feel done.
Today, I got woken up by my phone ringing, it was a friend who is doing some investigative work... trying to find a man she believes is her twin flame, whom she met 37 years ago and hasn’t seen in almost as long. On the one hand I think she has lost her mind, on the other hand, I hope it does turn out to be some sort of miraculous reunion and they live happily ever after. It worries me, because when we want something so badly, we can convince ourselves of almost anything. When we don’t want to see something we can convince ourselves that, just as easily.
But then there are some things that no matter how you try to ignore them, you just can’t.
From an internal perspective, writing is that for me. I don’t want to be a writer. I don’t NOT want to be a writer. I feel like I’m SUPPOSED to be a writer. It definitely isn’t an ego thing, like the reason I chose to go to school for and become an accountant, as though that is some impressive sort of thing to be able to say you are (though trust me, I’ve used that at times when I knew someone would be impressed by it). I wish I wanted to be an accountant. Frankly, life would be a lot easier to just go count beans until I die. But no, I feel I’m supposed to use my voice (via writing and perhaps speaking, as well, when I get more comfortable with that) to shed some light on things. In this case, things no one is too excited to talk about… SEX.
However, when the draft of my book is done, if I don’t have a publishing contract with an advance, I will have to return to work on a far greater capacity then I currently work to earn income, most likely doing accounting work, not just to cover my living expenses, but also to pay for various levels of editing. In the last couple of days I’ve realized it will be imperative for me to at least do so for an organization who is working in alignment with something that speaks to my soul. I thought maybe an organization who is working to support victims of sex traffickers or better yet punishing those who are responsible…whether doing the trafficking or indulging in the trafficked. My friend mentioned an organization near her who helps victims get their lives in order. I checked out their website and my heart sank. They provide temporary housing for two weeks??? I’m not a victim of sex trafficking, other than the trafficking I did of myself in hopes of meeting Mr. Right, who would ideally partner with me in getting my financial needs met for the rest of my life. I can’t even get my own life together in the last 57 years. What is two weeks going to provide anyone? Their minds are so fucked up from what they’ve experienced. My mind is fucked up and I haven’t experienced anything other than the cream of the crap out there.
Once again, I’m praying for a spiritual big bang. I was surprised at the wisdom that has trickled into so many of these women’s mind despite the fact that no one was fucking there for them, proof that we are connected to hope and our higher selves…and God themselves, even in the darkest of times. How are they going to get the therapy they need? And the kind of therapy that is actually helpful, and not readily available through social services. EMDR (which I’ve mentioned before) is often $160/hour, and ideally, one would have therapy on a weekly basis. That is $640/month. Apparently, trauma informed employers (who dat?) are hiring them to help them earn incomes to get back on their feet. This is a town on the outskirts of a very wealthy community. I doubt housing is affordable (is it anywhere anymore?). Fast food, much less healthy food, is ridiculously expensive these days.
I got a pop-up advertisement today for a program called “Rewired” on Gaia TV, which features Dr. Joe Dispenza talking about the way the brain is wired and how it is possible for it to be completely rewired. So far, that doesn’t happen after one meditation, but it surely could.
I also believe of all the causes out there on which we could hang our hat, we aren’t assigned to “all of them”. We just can’t be. It isn’t that we don’t care, though sometimes it might be. Lord knows we have enough shit to deal with just to make it day to day sometimes. If we don’t care, hopefully it is because we don’t know, and it just isn’t possible to know everything.
Sometimes it is because it doesn’t affect us at a personal level, so it just doesn’t register on our radar.
Sometimes it is because we don’t want to know the truth. We can’t imagine something could possibly be true. We can’t handle the truth. If we just pretend it isn’t true or that it doesn’t affect us then it’s as if it isn’t true.
My friend shared an awful lot of signs and synchronicities that lead her to believe she is supposed to reconnect with this man from her past, and I do believe there is “something” to the things she shared. I don’t want to be a hopeless romantic or a cynical bitch…but when it comes to men I’m finding it hard to find a happy medium. To be honest, generally speaking, I’m super unimpressed with the opposite sex.
I’d love to believe in happily ever after, but even when I thought I had achieved that in my mid-20s, there were a lot of undercurrents making waves for my cruise ship. Things that didn’t quite sit right with me, that I chose to ignore, with a multitude of justifications, that eventually bit me in the ass.
I’m a rather introverted, very observant person. I see a lot of things I don’t think other people see. Mainly, that’s because I’m always looking for “what’s wrong with this picture?” It’s as though I could see right through men. UNLESS I DIDN’T WANT TO. At my most vulnerable times, I ignored what I didn’t want to see and focused only on what I wanted to see. The only way this is even possible, was at times when I wasn’t completely authentic about myself either. When I was trying to come across as more independent than the crippling insecurity I was really feeling on the inside.
I’m certain this doesn’t pertain to all men, but the men it doesn’t pertain to don’t show up on my radar. At least thus far, I haven’t been assigned to those who are on the up and up. What mostly shows up for me, over and over, are the ones with obvious issues but who regularly slide. The men who look like good guys on the outside, who everyone and their mothers would insist are the good guys, and for all intents and purposes it sure looks like they are the good guys at least in some areas that give rise to ignoring the areas in which they aren’t all that good. Just regular guys doing what regular guys do. Hmmm.
Those are the tough ones. The sneakiest of the sneaky. The duplicitous ones. The ones who act appalled, and as though they are advocates for women, when the truth is they can’t really relate to women in any other way than objectifying them as being “for sex” because at a minimum, they’ve likely secretly indulged way too much in watching porn. As a result, many women are equally under the spell of believing at their very deepest levels of their subconscious that their greatest purpose is to be sexually consumed…because they have been programmed, from many ideologies (marketing, their fathers actions, their mothers actions, what their friends/family members have tolerated, their coworkers actions, their friends actions) to believe so. When they are considered to no longer be of a consumable commodity, for whatever reasons, they are relieved to have what they have whatever situations they have or struggle to love themselves despite the fact they are no longer desirable.
The dysfunction is deeply wired (at various levels of consciousness) in men “groomed” to pursue it and women who have been “groomed” to tolerate it.
There is no way the evildoing in the world of sex, and the women who are the victims, is just being done by the most obviously degenerate and skeezy dudes. There are a lot of men who keep the trade alive because they operate under the radar. Either partaking in erotic services, watching porn when they think no one will find out, talking about women with other men, being entertained at strip clubs, and at the bare minimum, eye fucking women without even realizing anyone is watching…and no doubt, they think they are entitled to do all of it.
For some random reason, a YouTube video showed up in my feed which was an interview of a girl who had been sex trafficked by her own mother. This hit me in the feels because when I was in middle school, my best friend was acting out and it got to a point where I finally concluded she was just insane and luckily due to life’s circumstances, she finally moved away. Many years later, we reconnected, and I thought she has a polished (very religious) veneer, but underneath she still seems on the verge of cracking. We didn’t keep in touch. Another 15 years after that, a mutual acquaintance told me her mother told her this friend had been sex trafficked in elementary school by her own mother. When it came to light, she was forbidden to hang around with her. This was before I knew her. I was shocked, but also, this would explain A LOT of her behavior at the time. In hindsight, combined with the things I did know firsthand, I have little doubt this is what had happened to her.
The girl in the video interview was from a small town. Her mom had run a day care in her home and after earning her master’s degree, became the director of the “Head Start” program. Did she arrange for the trafficking of other children, as well?? It is common for children victims to keep this information secret for so many reasons. The woman was well respected in her church. She told her daughter when she turned 14 years old that she was now useless to her. Then I watched another video interview with a girl that was trafficked in the Detroit area. Not by a family member, but she used to run away often, no doubt in search of the love she wasn’t experiencing in her own home. If nothing else, she was lacking guidance. I know so many women who didn’t experience love in their own homes. Women who could have met far worse fates then they did, and many who experienced horrific things they never told anyone at the time. Or they did, but they were blamed for the reasons it happened. Or it was ignored entirely.
So many adults don’t have the capacity to be supportive in these situations, because of their own unhealed trauma/Traumas that happened in their own lives when they were children. I’ve heard women justify what happened, tolerate what happened, make excuses for their own perpetrators or the perpetrators in their families who victimized someone else entirely. I’ve heard story after story about adult perpetrators who never paid any price whatsoever for their actions, or at least not for decades, until they finally crossed the wrong victim. I linked the girl’s interview from the Detroit video below. It hit too close to home. She is a white girl living in a predominately white suburb of Detroit who was being set up with men when she was as young as 13 years old, around 1995, and she said the majority of these men were white, whom she wouldn’t have thought looked like men who would be meeting up with young girls for sex, and that most of them had on wedding rings. It was jarring to hear of the cities, streets, sporting events etc. from my hometown.
I then listened to a few other video interviews. So many of these women were raised by single mothers. They just didn’t have the money to make ends meet. And they didn’t have the functioning to do anything about it. They didn’t have the right information. They didn’t have the opportunities. They were kept down in numerous ways by the patriarchy. Again, google search came up with a definition: “Patriarchy” is a social system in which positions of dominance and privilege are held by men. The term patriarchy is used both in anthropology to describe a family or clan controlled by the father or eldest male or group of males, and in feminist theory (ha) to describe a broader social structure in which men as a group dominate women and children.
I recently discovered that there were a couple more seasons available of a show that I watched a few years ago called “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”. It is about a female comedian (yes, I do realize this is merely a TV show) who had been groomed to be the perfect wife, who marries, and later divorces when her husband has an affair. She is from a wealthy family, but she wants to make her own living, doing what she really wants to do, which causes an uproar not only in her family, but also in society at large. It takes place starting in the 1950’s when women had even less rights/opportunities than they do now. At one point in the first episode of the 4th season, after having an argument, about why she is trying to earn her own living rather than find another husband, her mother says that she does understand “how precarious a woman’s life is when it is dependent on the whims of a man”. While things are far better for women than they were in the 1950’s, this is still true today in so many ways. In a large way, men still have great control over the jobs that women are able to obtain, or how fast they rise in the ranks. You can only get so far in life if you can only make so much money, or if you don’t know what to do with the money you earn, if there is even any left over after meeting basic necessities (if there isn’t a deficit to covering them in the first place). It is also a challenge to choose between doing the work in order to make a greater amount of money and balance being the primary caregiver (even if still married) to the children…especially if you want to be both physically and even more so, emotionally available for said children.
In some ways, society compelling women to work, which is less and less of a choice these days, has resulted in us further being separated from our children, allowing them to be further taken advantage of….getting scooped up by the system…better able to be manipulated by all that glitters (that isn’t gold….or even if it is actually gold).
In a nutshell, we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
But mark my words, this is going to change in the next 20 years, and there is going to be some big ass firecracker to get this party started.
I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t finally get to see the guest list of Jeffrey Epstein’s island, if not some actual video footage since no doubt everything that went down there was filmed. But also, that same bullshit is happening in your own neighborhoods and maybe even in your own families. And you may even suspect it or know it for a fact. But what to do about it (as many just avoid said creeper or at least be hyper alert in his presence)? I’ve heard people justify a gazillion times that the repercussions (to themselves or other family members) would be greater if the knowledge was out.
I heard a member of one family recently say that some of her family members pressured her not to press charges because if the man in her extended family (in his 50s who had been trying to arrange to have sex with her 13 year old daughter) goes to jail, then wouldn’t it be even worse for everyone because what would happen to his kids and their kids since he is their primary provider?
Closer to home, someone in my family said to me “He isn’t the monster you think he is”. Well, maybe not yet, but he will be eventually, if he isn’t already…how do you even know?? You just don’t want to believe it. And his “day to day” actions are such that it’s hard to imagine he is. Well, so the fuck what? Just because he has a good act to cover up for the bad, we should give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t think so. I’m going to lean on the side of the doubt, because I suspect there is a lot more darkness brewing under there that we have no idea of.
Something is going to happen to get to the root of this evil. And I suspect I will be part of it. Perhaps there will be a community of women who need nurturing….at varying degrees of wounding…. who will come together to help each other heal AND THRIVE.
This is the YouTube channel if you want to connect more deeply with the stories of those described as being frequently invisible in society…but what interests me more are the perpetrators…. because we tend to totally ignore them. To hope they don’t get too close to us and ours. Afraid to judge them in case it might not be true. Afraid to ruin their lives and the lives of those closest to them. Afraid to tell the stories of what might have happened to you. Afraid you were somehow to blame. Those who haven’t been victims are often afraid to console the victims, because often they appear to be trainwrecks and we don’t want to experience their all-consuming wrath or lack of being able to function taking us down. We don’t want their crazy too close to our lives. I don’t know what the answers are…but the answers will be coming. Even if all you can do is something in your little corner of the world…it’s something.
I am all out of words to say about this, and I know I haven’t presented it very well. But it’s heavy on my heart and it’s all I can do for now to give it some expansion herewith.
This is the link to the girl I mention who was trafficked in Detroit in the mid 90s. Sorry for the gazillion ads you have to see before it begins, but at least they are providing funding to the man who is getting these stories out there.
I’m sooooooo tired, I didn’t even bother to try to edit this week’s post, so I especially apologize in advance for any typographical and grammatical errors you see. Sigh.