I’m experimenting with activating my heart chakra, because frankly, it seems to be easier AND more effective than all the other things I typically do when my mind tries to run the show (right into the ground). I’m pretty sure it may be the most important thing I ever do in a day and I’m trying to remember the importance of staying consistent. I’ll explain more on this in a bit.
But first a word (or 4,900) from my sponsor (a.k.a. my overactive brain) …
As you may recall, I revisited my beloved San Carlos, Mexico last week. It could not have been more lovely. I enjoyed every minute of it.
Somewhere along the layover awaiting the second leg of flights back home from Mexico, I started to get in an internally rage-y sort of mood. Feeling angry seemed to be bubbling up from nowhere, and I was really annoyed with myself that I would dare feel this way after having the luxury of checking out of regular life for a week. For most of my life, I haven’t been great at relaxing and regardless of how much I enjoy a trip, there is always a part of me that can’t wait to get home and back in a routine. I’m also really chomping at the bit to get my book finished. It could have been that being on a plane is neither vacation or routine, but rather the in-between space necessary to get from one mode to another, but regardless, I couldn’t put my finger on what would be causing me to feel so edgy.
When I landed in my final destination of Denver, I was rested from having gotten at least a 30-minute nap on the plane, and my mood was finally peaceful. I was excited to grab my bag and get to my car. I quickly discovered the trains that normally run to the baggage claim area, in our nation’s 3rd busiest international airport, were shutting down so the new system that has been being built could be tested throughout the night. It was 10 p.m. and a guy was taping off the entrance to the escalator down to the trains right as I was walking up. He raised his hand and pointed elsewhere and said, “Walk all the way down to the end and there are buses waiting to take you to baggage claim.” I was on the exact opposite end of the airport. OK, fine. It was a 20-minute walk. I was carrying a large, heavier than I had realized prior, tote bag. I could feel annoyance wanting to creep in every 8 minutes or so, but I kept it at bay telling myself how much worse it could be.
I could have had all the rocks I collected in this bag instead of the one I had checked in.
I could be traveling with small children (I saw several families with young children, and I was amazed to not see one single meltdown…if toddlers can hold it together…so can I).
I could have a physical ailment that would make the walk even more difficult to endure.
I could not have had the opportunity to be at the airport at all.
I finally got to the end and there were probably about 400 people waiting in a zig-zaggy line all over the place. There were huge buses at the curb lined up bumper to bumper and while I wasn’t excited to wait, I was glad it was being handled very orderly as people single filed out from the front of the line. A lot of people were mildly disgruntled, but I could feel people holding it together, and I appreciated that, as well. One very handsome pilot walking in front of me said something derogatory and I could feel my energy tank in the pit of my stomach, because worse than having to stand in that line for however long it was going to take, would be having to listen to someone bitch about it the entire time. But he also quickly reigned it in and never said another negative word. We waited in line for about another 20 minutes, but we made huge strides because the loading of the buses and moving them out was pretty smooth. The bus ride to the baggage claim was another 10-minute drive on the tarmac, behind parked airplanes, which seemed to be an interestingly orchestrated route. I expected to see the baggage carousel as the doors to the building opened, but nope, it was another 15-minute walk. Just as my resolve was dwindling, I saw a pretty crippled looking man in a manual wheelchair, using his feet to move himself forward, while pushing an elderly woman in another manual wheelchair in front of him as they navigated against the traffic of hundreds of people walking down a narrow construction hallway heading towards baggage claim. Did I actually see that? They both seemed as content as could be…the only ones headed in the opposite direction. Had that possibly been only visible to me? My higher self, telling me to “suck it up, buttercup”?
I finally made it to the baggage area, which was at the furthest end of 12 carousels (of course) and I stood there for about 2 whole revolutions staring at bags, never to see my own. Even though no new bags were coming out, I decided to walk over to where they do come out and low and behold, there was my bag and 3 others, sitting next to the carousel apparently having been taken off by someone else. Sigh. Whatever. At least it’s here. I go four doors down to exit where the parking lot shuttles come, as I see one driving off in the distance, and it’s already past the time they stop regularly running. But I meet another couple there looking for the same shuttle, so they call and are told they will send someone out and it will be about 15 minutes, but it was more like 25. However, in the last 10 minutes a lady and her dog show up, together with a flight attendant who had just got off work and another couple, so I’m at least happy for them, since if it had come in 15 minutes they would have all missed it and probably had to wait another 30 minutes.
The wife of the new couple starts telling me about the terrible trip they have been on, but she is so upbeat about it. They had been to Illinois to visit their daughter who is in the Air Force because she isn’t doing well because of all the things that have been going on in her life and that to top it all off she is now angry at her father. They had rented a car for the week and the electrical system kept going out and they got stranded a few times, one of which was for a couple hours on the side of a highway. Then when their flight landed in Denver, they had to stay on the plane for a whole hour until the door was opened and they were allowed to get off. There was a woman on the plane yelling and complaining for the whole hour and being aggressive with the flight attendant, because she was going to miss her connection for her Las Vegas vacation. Then, as though this were the least of all the things that had gone wrong in her life, she tells me they made the trip because their son had recently died and they had made the decision to shut down their business for a while to grieve and help their daughter do so, as well. What?! Again, I felt how ridiculous it is to be annoyed at the little things in life since they can ALWAYS be so much worse. They seemed to be my age, and I asked her how old her son was. He was 30. He was married with 3 young children. He died in his sleep from undiagnosed sleep apnea. OMG. Her husband was very talkative and pretty upbeat, as well, though after a young mother with an infant in a stroller, and a toddler hanging on to the handle walked by, he did cross the street into the median and broke down in tears for a bit. She said that they both have their moments, but also know it’s no reason to take it out on anyone else, but that she had a moment of wanting to say “fuck it” when the lady who was pissed about her Las Vegas connection rudely pushed past her to get off the plane quicker when the door finally opened.
The day I was traveling to Mexico, I discovered a friend I only knew through Facebook had passed away. Mina was 48 years old. I had been very inspired by her, watching her journey of the prior few years via her authentic and vulnerable posts, and finally had experienced an energy healing session with her via zoom as a gift to myself, the day before my birthday, November 30, 2022. I had specifically waited until I had completed my last day at my accounting job, wanting to do something deeply nurturing prior to making the road trip out there. I had only ever interacted with her on Messenger prior to that, and was surprised at her syrupy-sweet, gentle voice as she guided me through what she was feeling/clearing on my behalf. I had thought about visiting her on my way to Mexico, as she had also just moved there two months prior, but being 11 hours away from my destination, it was more of a diversion than I wanted to take. I wasn’t too keen on any extra driving in Mexico, even before I had added reason to avoid doing so.
But the news of her death had really shook me for so many reasons, including that she had died in a tragic way during a time of her life when she seemed to be thriving, after having overcome a lifetime full of emotional trauma and abandonment. I kept catching my thoughts subconsciously drifting to the drama growing around her death, and the unfairness of it all. Part of me felt I “should be” honoring her by dwelling on it…almost as though it wasn’t fair for me to feel any way other than bad.
But I had a huge epiphany. A friend of hers had posted that a random medium had reached out to give her a message channeled from Mina (from the other side) saying the manner in which she had passed (in a dog attack) was not as bad as one would have expected and that she had left her body almost immediately and had observed what was happening from above. Hmmm. Other things were said that were compelling enough to believe the message really was Mina transmitting it. For one thing, I believe this really is the way all deaths are, but in the emotional reactivity happening in my mind, I forgot I believed that.
This filled me with tremendous peace and freedom. She hadn’t suffered and that was a huge relief. I strongly believe it is primarily the survivors that struggle with the death of those they love, getting swept away (sometimes forever) in the void the tidal wave of loss leaves in its wake, and that those that actually pass are now all-knowing and understand life in a way that we otherwise don’t. We finally get all the answers we had questioned all our lives. I barely knew Mina at all and while I would miss her wisdom and seeing her on my feed regularly, my life would not change in the way so many of her dear friends lives would.
After reading the words of the medium, my heart opened, and in that moment many positive thoughts piled in to replace the dreary ones I had been fighting to transmute. Suddenly I was filled with grace that she had gotten to spend the last 16 months of her life living somewhere that allowed her to fully heal in a place that had been like heaven on earth to her, prior to leaving this physical form. How many of us ever get to do that? She blossomed walking along that same beach where she would ultimately leave this world. I don’t doubt that she loved every minute of every day in her final earth home and that if it was her time to go, there is nowhere else she would have rather done it from. That she had helped MANY more women on their healing journeys than she would have otherwise been able to if she stayed in the states where she was struggling financially and had less time to offer the healing work she loved to do. She was in a new relationship since last summer that was finally a love she had never experienced prior. It wasn’t to be dwelled on that she had finally found the connection she craved, but rather that she had finally gotten to experience such a deep love at all. Even for a moment.
After finally making it home from the airport, I slept 10 hours, accepting that I was starting to experience symptoms of what seemed to be a sort of head-cold. I went to the office of the company I do the accounting for and was grateful to be there alone for the day, not only to get caught up, but also to have several ridiculous meltdowns in private. I use QuickBooks desktop software for this client, and I was barely paying attention when I opened the company’s books and got a message about updating it to the newest version. Sure… Go ahead… assuming it said what I just said it did. Except that must not have been what it said.
I had to restart the computer and when I tried to open the company file, it said that the file was now newer than the version of software that I was using. WTF?!
Well, then, how the hell was I able to update the company file to 2024 if I only have the 2023 version of software installed? I never even heard of updating the company data file beyond the version of software installed on the computer…except it really isn’t installed on the computer anymore, is it? I felt sabotaged by cyberspace. Dang it.
While I thought I had just agreed to update to the 2024 version of software, I now couldn’t figure out how to now do it from scratch, so I could open my newly upgraded 2024 file. After piddling around for a bit, with no results in sight, I picked up the phone to call customer service.
Suddenly I got very triggered that QuickBooks was probably going to want additional payment, and I had just paid them $799 in September for an “annual” subscription of QuickBooks version 2023. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but it is no longer possible to buy hard copies of many software programs, that used to then be able to be uploaded to your computer and used for years regardless of if new versions come out, as long as it still met your needs. Accounting practices don’t really change all that much from year to year.
Also, I’ve spent a lot of frustrated hours on the phone with QuickBooks customer service in the last 6 months. About 1/3 of the experiences have been wonderful and were equally split between representatives in the US and India. The other 2/3 have been an utter waste of my time and my client’s money. I don’t typically mind one bit talking to a representative in India, as long as they are understandable and know their stuff.
This day I got a representative from the dregs of the lower 2/3. I turned into a raving lunatic on the phone. If there had happened to be a hidden camera in the office, surely the business owner would have thought I was insane. I thought I was insane. I’m not sure what pushed me over the edge. Was it the fact that I could barely understand what the representative was saying through his very strong Indian accent? Was it the fact that it seemed to me he didn’t even know what QuickBooks was? Was it the fact that he was a man and that I would bet money that he purposely played dumb and then muted me pretending he couldn’t hear me?
I hung up and called back and this time the representative was an Indian woman who was knowledgeable, patient, encouraging, and easy to understand. She even easily walked me through fixing a completely separate lingering problem I’ve inquired about any time I’ve had to call customer service for other things, that at least 8 representatives have said couldn’t possibly be an existing problem. Sigh. I left her a glowing review after the fact. I hadn’t completely lost my sanity.
Now I had a new version of QuickBooks loaded (no extra cost, which in hindsight, makes sense, since it was an upgrade mid-annual subscription, but everything seems to be such a money grab these days) and a matching version of a company file, so I thought I was good to go.
But in a fluke way I had never experienced before, I somehow accidentally reinstated a version of the company books that I had backed up 3 weeks prior and sent to the tax preparer, which, by the way, was a 2023 file so why it never asked me if I wanted to upgrade it to a 2024 version I have no idea. Meanwhile, I couldn’t find the file I had upgraded to 2024 anywhere on my desktop, dropbox or the f’g cloud. I was potentially going to have to re-do about 10 hours of work. I started to look through some files of statements and receipts, thinking about where I would even figure out where to start. Nope. I refuse. I have no idea why I took the next steps I did, other then I just KNEW it was what there was to do. I closed QuickBooks, deleted the file it was trying to use, and restarted the computer.
When it came back up, I opened QuickBooks and the company file listed was the current file ready to go.
Phew.
After all that, I was finally able to do the work I had gone there to do.
3 hours later, sneezing and blowing my nose all the way home, I crawled into bed and slept 12 hours, fully congested, waking up frequently to flush my sinuses and do my variety of medicine/supplements protocol.
I actually felt a lot better, physically, the next morning, but now instead felt a heavy sense of apathy that I just could not get rid of. I had planned to work on my book all day and had been looking forward to doing so. But instead, I felt completely joyless. As though I would never feel joy again. I sure can’t write when I’m in that space, but worse, I can’t imagine there is even anything worth living for. Not that I felt suicidal, but more like I’m just now going to be a horrific drain on everyone around me until the end of time. I felt like even if someone handed me a million dollars I still wouldn’t be able to drum up some enthusiasm for life. Not only was I not happy, I convinced myself I had never really been happy for even a moment my entire life (which is ridiculous). I over thought the fuck out of everything all damn day. What is wrong with me that I’m never happy? Am I really never happy? That’s not true. I’ve been happy many times in life. Well, what about now? Weren’t you just happy last week? I really thought I’ve been happy all year. But maybe I was just lying to myself. How did I even get this far in life?
I was trying to think my way out of my disempowering thoughts, and that is just not possible.
Finally, I let go of trying to convince myself to be some other way. I let myself off the hook for having wasted a precious day on nothing but chastising myself. I don’t have those episodes very often, but when I do, I’m sure that this is the time it’s never going to turn back around, and yet it always does.
I decided I would at least meditate before I went to sleep. I hadn’t done so in about 10 days. My current favorite meditation is called “Tuning in With Your Heart” by Dr. Joe Dispenza. I especially like that it is only about 30 minutes long and has very angelic music in the background. My only goal is to focus on my heart the entire time. After about 10 minutes I started to feel better. Ugh, why I hadn’t I done this hours ago. I spent the entire time just relaxing and sending all my energy directly to my heart and it truly seemed to be buzzing. Halfway into the meditation, Dr. Joe says to “tune into the energy of your future with your heart”. “It’s within you”. “Sense it”. “It’s all around you”.
Dr. Joe’s methodology works really well for me because it has everything to do with feeling. He guides you to focus on your body first…. feel your body (sometimes it’s via energy going up through the chakras…. sometimes it’s through breathing and feeling the energy move up through your spine, etc.) …and then ultimately to lose the focus of your body altogether…to disconnect from feeling it at all and instead feel how you feel floating in the ethers of nothingness.
It’s pretty incredible. I felt very lulled into peacefulness. I suddenly recall the many times throughout the last decade I have discovered and rediscovered that you can’t think your way out of your thoughts, but you can feel your way out of them. You can get into your body, which takes you out of your thoughts. For most of my life I was never in my body…never able to disconnect entirely from my thoughts.
Dancing would have also been a good idea, had I not been hell bent on suffering for the entire day. Dancing is another good way to get in your body… preferably when nobody is watching so you aren’t stuck in your head worried about what they may be thinking or what you think about the fact they are thinking what they might be thinking. Exhausting.
By the end of the meditation, my heart was so activated that it occurred to me there really is never anything to have to figure out if your heart is activated. It is a magnetic beacon inside of us. An inner glow. Turning up the flame of the pilot light of our soul to light the way forward. No thoughts necessary. We can feel our way through the darkness.
I might have told this story before, and if so, bear with me. One time, when I had first started doing Dr. Joe’s meditations in 2019, I was walking down the street toward the parking lot. Walking on the other side of the street, about a 1/2 block ahead was a man and woman probably in their mid 60s, and about 6 feet behind them, a girl who I felt was their daughter. She was probably about 15 years old, and my guess was that she was on the autism spectrum. She was very loudly complaining about something, and I had heard it at least a ½ block before I had turned onto the street they were on. She did not sound like she would be stopping anytime soon. I felt a momentary pang of anxiety rise up in me, most likely a projection of some of my own parenting situations long prior. The parents glanced over at me, and both smiled. Instead of looking embarrassed, apologetic, or annoyed, they seemed completely at peace with the situation. It wasn’t like they were ignoring her hoping she would stop, but more like they were completely content with letting her be the way she needed to be. They didn’t seem the least bit concerned about what anyone else might think about it. I physically felt my heart swell with compassion, but it didn’t stop there. I could feel a huge beam of energy flowing from my heart straight into the girl. I hadn’t thought about doing this, it happened on its own. I then thought “is this really happening or is it my imagination?” But it felt too real for it to not be happening, and as further evidence, she suddenly stopped complaining. It wasn’t because she noticed other people were around and suddenly became aware of her behavior. There had been plenty of other people around the whole time. She now looked completely content to be walking along, as though she had never been upset about anything at all even seconds before.
My heart energy seemed to expand into the circumference of the space spanning a whole block. I still had another block to walk, and waited to hear her start up again, but she never did. As I went to turn the corner into the parking lot, I glanced behind me to see if they were still visible. They were a block down and she was still peacefully walking behind them.
After that I would try to get my heart to do that again, but never could. I was trying to will it so with my mind.
In my meditations I would try to coax my heart open (still with my thoughts).
But in this recent meditation I felt my energy flow to my heart until it eventually seemingly vibrated my whole body into a state of bliss.
THAT is what I want for my future. I can’t think my way there. I can’t strategize what path to take that will most likely result in things that I think would bring that kind of joy. I mean, I could, but it might also be hit or miss. I once created the exact perfect life I had dreamed of my whole life, based on everything I saw that I thought would result in happiness, and it had ended up being rather anticlimactic. But I can continue to work to activate my heart energetically through feeling.
Feeling a future where my heart is always buzzing with that feeling, and let the things that polarize toward me in that state bring that future into reality.
And it’s a lot easier than deciding “this or that” or trying to ascertain what is the “right path over the wrong one”.
It’s like staking a claim on unclaimed land. Putting your flag down in some dirt. Feeling deep peace and knowing only what resonates with this state is welcome here.
The next morning, I did the same meditation. I got some good writing done, though it wasn’t as many words as my mind had planned to. But also, I got a notification for what seems like the perfect job for me in the near future and I applied. It would allow for me to more than cover my living expenses, with plenty of time to write and flexibility to travel. I have no idea if I will get it or not, and if I don’t, I know it is because it isn’t in alignment with what is waiting for me in the field of what’s possible for my life while living in an activated heart space. But it was pretty ironic that it is the first time a job has shown up with an obvious YES… that would work perfectly for what I’d like my life to feel like.
Also that day, I saw the post below (I retyped it with the black background) pop up on my Facebook feed from Mina, which is odd because it had been reposted by her three days before she died and I don’t really know how FB works in that regard, but I thought this is damn good advice (especially after what I had just been experiencing) and if she had a chance to have any of her old posts pop up post mortem, this would be a good one, which she would have obviously validated with the divine powers that be…
I’m absolutely convinced when life is not going well, it is because we are not whole in our bodies (i.e. leaning to the left or the right…dwelling on the past or fearing the future…all of which are consequences of the mind). BUT IT CAN BE SO HARD TO STOP THE THINKING. Activating the heart puts our soul front and center, and I truly believe it is our soul that holds the blueprint of our true peace and joy. We can’t get at it with our minds. When we are over thinking, the most important part of us is missing in action. Squeezed out of the equation entirely. No wonder life can get confusing. Our minds are full of everything that has ever gone wrong and all of that blocks our view of what actually lies ahead. As a result, it severely limits the options that could otherwise become available to us. Taking a moment… getting present... feeling what it feels like to feel good… sending all your energy to your heart… takes little time, and no money… but is priceless.
I did the same meditation last night and this morning. Today was a good day for no specific reasons at all. Writing this took most of the day and night, but I took a lot of breaks, and I didn’t judge myself for the amount of time it took. Instead, I completely enjoyed the process. I rode the wave. I ebbed and flowed. I was at peace.
I will do the meditation again before I go to sleep tonight and first thing when I wake up tomorrow morning.
And then after that I will probably forget to keep doing it. I will have a couple amazing days writing, and then I will melt down again over something ridiculous. If I know anything for sure, is that shit is going to be getting more and more incredulous by the day. The old structures will be crumbling at a more rapid pace, and it will be more important than ever to keep coming back to your blueprint to navigate your way through. Then I will remember to meditate again. Eventually my heart will stay activated and perhaps it won’t be necessary to remember.
As always, I apologize for any typos and grammatical errors. I truly appreciate you reading my words!!