I Love You, I Love You, I Love You!
"God, I cannot wait to see what miracles you have in store for me today!"
Good news this week… if you prefer to listen to this week’s article rather than read, I’ve finally managed to do a recording (posted above the pink meme) prior to posting for your convenience.
II could have done without a lot of the month of April (with the exception of getting to visit my daughter in Spain and flying back in that business class pod). But on a brighter note, May is supposed to be the best month of the year, astrologically, so I hope you get while the getting is good!!
This is my 23rd weekly post and I’m so proud of myself for sticking to something so consistently. Many weeks I sit at my computer with no idea what to say and other weeks I have so much to say that I can’t seem to find a stopping point. But what I most want to say this week is what a blessing it has been to be able to open my heart and soul and allow the words to come through me and reach your eyes (and at least for this week there is an option for your ears). I share these words as though we are in a conversation. I can feel the energy of them being received and contemplated, with words sometimes sent in response, but most importantly I feel so connected with you, as though we are all spring buds feeling the sun and starting to blossom.
A couple weeks ago a friend of mine told me she was taking on a practice for the rest of the year and asked me if I wanted to join her in doing so, as well. She sent me an Instagram reel of someone (@talynfiore) saying:
“Don’t judge your mood by the way you feel the moment you open your eyes because you don’t know your mood truly until you bring movement into your body….so get up as soon as possible and go in the bathroom (don’t pick up your phone), drink some water, brush your teeth with the opposite hand that you usually do (this opens your neuropathways because you are doing something out of the ordinary), look deep into your eyes in the mirror and say “I love you” three times (like you really mean it) and then say (God, Universe, Spirit….whatever resonates with you) “God, I cannot wait to see what miracles you have in store for me today.” Talyn says she has manifested amazing things into her life since doing so.
So, I said, “yes, I’m going to do this!”
I really liked how I felt doing this on day one. It felt good to look deep into my eyes and tell myself how much I loved me, and I was more than happy to tell God I was looking forward to the miracles coming my way.
Day two felt equally as good and I was impressed with myself that I remembered to do this new practice two days in a row without five post-its stuck all around my room (not that such post-its even register in my consciousness once I stick them up everywhere…it’s like they somehow become invisible).
Day three and the words were going through my mind while my head was still on the pillow and I was barely awake, as though my subconscious liked it so much that it was going to make sure I remembered.
By day 4, I was full-on sick with whatever virus I mentioned in last week’s article. I ended up being sick for a total of 10 days. Most of the first 7 days were just extreme low-energy and a lot of strange congestion continuously draining down the back of my throat, and most of the last of the 4 days consisted of a pretty terrible sore throat that thankfully improved each day until it was totally gone. I didn’t do this practice most of the days I was sick. I had no energy and frankly, I really didn’t care about much of anything.
A few days later, the friend who had asked me if I wanted to do this practice with her reached out to me to see if I had participated in the free Dr. Aimee “Attachment Masterclass” that I had also mentioned in an article a couple weeks ago. I had participated but also told her that my throat was so sore, albeit only when I swallowed, but that I thought I should not be doing anything that might further aggravate my throat, like talking too much. She told me that she was also very sick, with some sort of terrible flu-like symptoms. She lives in another state than I do, and I thought it was odd that we were both sick in the midst of having done that masterclass, and it didn’t occur to me at the time that we both got sick a few days after starting the morning practice of deeply speaking to ourselves first thing in the morning.
It took a couple days until our energy was high enough to even have a conversation at all, and sure enough we talked for 5 hours. I’ve known her for 24 years. She is also a Sagittarius like I am. We are seekers of truth and have both dove into understanding ourselves in a variety of ways through the years, to become self-aware and to heal. I’ve often thought if we have spent this much time, money and effort into self-healing and are still discovering such fucked up patterns in ourselves, the planet is doomed. However, much of those early years were spent trying to heal so we could find deeper joy in the midst of shedding our egoism and materialistic pursuits, yet also still jumping through exhausting hoops to manifest abundance “in a more spiritual manner”. And it has only been at an increasing speed over the past year or so that we have realized we had it all wrong. That the real healing would require us slowing down enough to let our nervous systems relax.
We have been sharing our patterns, breakdowns, and breakthroughs with each other for many years, but recently I’ve noticed her smashing through patterns that had stuck around no matter the time spent trying to evolve… specifically 3 major patterns in her life… with lightning speed in the last 9 months in particular, and interestingly, she shared that she has had the flu 3 times during that same period.
And then I considered that I had a horrible case of Covid just after my brother died in 2021, while my mother was in the hospital where she also died soon after. And the horrific stomach convulsions I had for 3 days in Mexico after some huge insights into my childhood relationship with my dad. The week before I got sick this time, I was in Spain and realizing how much I really don’t like to travel out of my “routine” but also I realized this is because I hadn’t been properly evaluating what my needs would be outside of my same ol, same ol, and insure (for myself) that I get them met. That is easier contemplated than done when I’ve spent an entire lifetime ignoring my own needs for the sake of meeting the needs of others and staying too busy to ever feel my underlying emotions.
The masterclass discussed looking at childhood trauma through the lens of our biology, nervous system, and neurodevelopment. According to Dr. Aimie Apigian, it is because of our biology of attachment that we get anxiety, can’t break out of our relationship patterns, and develop chronic health conditions in adulthood.
I am certain this is true.
We develop our attachment issues when we are pre-verbal. It starts in the womb. It continues after birth. It’s all in place by the time we are 3 years old, around the time logical thought begins, at which point we subconsciously gather evidence for what we had felt is true, and begin to operate accordingly…our authenticity begins to be buried, in order to feel connection… safety… and security.
Dr. Aimee describes overwhelm as being a whole-body response. There is no way that your whole body is not affected when you live your life in a state of overwhelm. This is polyvagal theory. For many years I came to the realization that it felt like my nervous system was fried. I think some part of being sick had to do with this “Dorsal Vagal Freeze” response shown in the slide below from the masterclass. I was already overwhelmed from traveling, tried to travel again too soon, potentially zapped my immune system, and spent a week feeling exhausted and wondering “what’s the point?”
Could it be the reason so many people were susceptible to covid and potentially whatever other epidemics are supposedly on the horizon because we are so completely overwhelmed, sometimes with just trying to survive day-to-day?
What I learned in Dr. Aimie’s free Attachment Masterclass on April 24
The three hidden childhood survival styles that lead to anxiety in adult relationships are Anxious Attachment, Avoidant Attachment and Disorganized Attachment. The only truly healthy attachment style is Secure Attachment, and the only way a person would have a secure attachment style is if they have healed any underlying traumas informing who they are in relationship to other people.
Dr. Aimee did an exercise where she said something along the lines of “Imagine I am here on my end holding a string and I ask you to pick up the other end of it. I am content and not giving you any attention nor trying to get yours. I’m just ‘being’ no particular way while holding my end of the string. You pick up the other end… what do you do in response to my energy?”
Do you pick up the other end, but it feels like too much and you want to let it go? (avoidant)
Do you pick up the other end and want to hold on tighter, bring my end closer to you? (anxious)
Do you feel too confused and not sure about what you are supposed to be doing? (disorganized)
I know for a fact, from exploring this topic as presented by various others, that I have most often had an anxious attachment style. I felt myself pulling the string toward me… wanting more of her energy. I want to know more of what she knows. I want her to like me so she will share that knowledge with me… even though this is a webinar, and most likely pre-recorded. She isn’t even on the other end live with me, and still I want her to take me under her wing and give me the information I am craving.
My friend, who also participated in the course said she picked up the string but was contemplating how to put it down and slink away unnoticed. In at least this case, she was experiencing an avoidant attachment style in which she felt sure she would ultimately be rejected, so better not to engage at all.
Other people were responding they didn’t understand the exercise. They were experiencing disorganized attachment. Chances are their own childhood traumatic experiences had been so confusing they never did figure out how to regulate themselves in their relationships with other people.
Understanding the effects of childhood trauma on our nervous systems and ability to attach in our relationships is a relatively new exploration. The quality of our relationships absolutely has an effect on our day-to-day lives.
Dr. Aimee explained that there are 3 states that the autonomic nervous system can be in. I hope I translated these properly in order to share them with you.
The first is Parasympathetic which is experienced when you are cruising along with ENOUGH time, resources, rest and reserves. I feel as though I’ve rarely experienced that state.
The second is Sympathetic Sports Mode where you are performing at maximum, full energy output. No reserves. Threat mode. Constant anxiety but responding to the threat which energizes you (and also pumps cortisol into your system). This has been my most consistent state.
The third is Chronic State where the constant overwhelm shuts us down. We go from responding to threats to being exhausted, depressed, and barely functioning. While I’ve experienced this for very short periods on occasion, thankfully it has been rare for me.
Dr. Aimee also discussed the six different attachment pains that “Become Us”. Our unmet attachment needs show up in our capacity to experience life and how much we can regulate stress, life, relationship, grief, change and joy…YES, even joy. It explains why for so long, no matter how many good things accumulated in my life, I really could not feel content and most often felt detached and empty. I was in chronic “doing” mode and was never able to enjoy the fruits of my labor for more than a moment and even then it didn’t register very deeply.
Below are the slides that show how each attachment pain might feel:
1. Hold Me
My friend said this is a huge attachment pain for her from childhood. She can’t remember her or any of her siblings ever being held. Some of the health conditions resulting from this type of attachment pain are IBS, Autoimmunity and Fibromyalgia. Another condition that presents itself from lack of being held, is Global High Intensity Activation (meaning your nervous system is always activated and one never experiences feeling settled and safe). There are so many reasons why someone may have not been held often enough as a child. I can’t help but question if I held my children enough. I know I loved them tremendously. I also know I was always burning the candle at both ends to try and get so much stuff done. I was really good at finding things to keep them occupied, crafts, outings, playdates, and a variety of toys they really enjoyed playing with. Of course, I worry that I turned them into doers and havers. But, whatever, it is what it is, and all we can ever do is move forward with what we now know. This label of Global High Intensity Activation is used in the Somatic Experiencing world to refer to the nervous system state of some clients. I read some good information on this at the website of RosalieCorame.net. “Hold Me” is a foundational survival need.
2. Hear Me
“Hear Me” is our foundation for “Trust”. It is definitely one of my attachment pains. I have a very hard time speaking my needs to other people because any expressed need I had as a child was ridiculed, mocked or belittled by my dad. So desperate to be loved, I often trusted people who shouldn’t have been trusted. Because I was weak in the area of knowing who to trust, I accepted poor behavior from people who were not worthy of my trust. I often found myself feeling trapped in cycles of over giving and rescuing, in hopes that if I saved another person, they would value me and see my worth. Surely this had/has a lot to do with the food issues I’ve had in my life. For so much of my life I felt empty inside, but I didn’t know that this was unusual.
3. Support Me
Dr. Aimee described how movement plus sensory processing results in internal safety. I think this is why somatic movement (certain types of dance, yoga, exercise) is becoming increasingly popular because it is getting us in our bodies in a slower, deeper way and resulting in new neuropathways developing that didn’t and don’t get developed when we are overwhelmed.
She says, for instance, that doing a tummy crawl results in opening our bodies. Eye contact results in attunement and connection (I’ve been making an effort to retain eye contact with people I don’t know, rather than quickly looking away, and it’s been easy and resulted in many surprise smiles that have felt connected and nourishing). Hip Stabilization results in a sense of stability (I’ve always had wonky hips interestingly enough…but they are more stable than they’ve ever been in the last several months). Exploration with arms results in increased ability to reach out (I’ve always hated arm exercises and feel like my arms are so weak… I also am very hesitant to ever reach out to anyone).
4. See Me
Interestingly, I didn’t catch much of what she said in relation to “see me” and that doesn’t surprise me. I absolutely spent much of my younger years becoming powerful on the outside to compensate for feeling small and “not worth it” on the inside. Also, my resulting posture sucks at least in part from trying to disappear and not be seen early on.
5. Understand Me
This “understand me” has been huge for me. My biggest complaint in prior (romantic) relationships was that I wasn’t “understood” but also I know I was afraid to be authentic because I was sure they couldn’t relate. I wasn’t wrong that they wouldn’t have been able to relate, but for sure they were the wrong relationships for me. The biggest problem of all is that I didn’t have a deep relationship with myself, and I was quick to ignore my own needs to people please and meet the needs of others. But I was so ambivalent as to what I should be doing. Doesn’t a good partner give? Sure, but I was giving with nothing in return… and I’d respond by giving even more, while the resentment built up inside of me at the gall of the other person to continue to take so much.
The resulting health conditions of “Understand Me” attachment pain include back and neck pain, colitis, stomach ulcers and high blood pressure. Thankfully, for being so out of balance, I don’t have any of these issues, but I have experienced hip pain and while I hopefully caught it prior to resulting in significant pain, I do have some issues with my spine, neck and back that I am now working to reverse.
6. Love Me
Some interesting health conditions that result from “love me” attachment pain are constantly doing to discharge sympathetic energy through movement. High inner anxiety with outer calm. Higher Glutamate/NMDA activity which translates to cell death that can result in neurodegeneration which occurs in Alzheimer’s disease.
The masterclass was essentially an introduction to Dr. Aimee’s 6-week on-line program (How to Repair, Rewire and Reconnect in Relationship at Any Age). It includes a combination of biology work, somatic work and parts work. There are 17+ hours of video content that is accessible in perpetuity, as well as 24+ hours of live sessions (4-7 per week). There are 100+ pages of course curriculum and 30+ downloads that include journals, transcripts, and handouts.
At a cost of $867 (through Monday) while wothwhile, I’m sure, it is not currently in the stars for me. However, if it is something that you would like to explore, more information on the course can be found at;
https://traumahealingaccelerated.mykajabi.com
But even the information she did provide in the masterclass was beneficial and will help me move forward in my healing journey. Our level of secure attachment has everything to do with our sense of safety and has way more to do with our health than what is in our bank accounts. I feel it is imperative we move in the direction of discovering, healing, and releasing the issues we may not even know we have, because our subconscious has done such a good job doing what it is supposed to do… protecting us so we can survive. But to thrive… that is going to take a little extra digging.
I do believe the healing resources on this subject will become more readily available from a variety of sources. If it is what is truly needed on our planet, then I believe we are going to be able to access what we need at the cost we can afford (even if that is $0) pulled toward us right out of the collective consciousness. There is no way this healing is only available if we have money. It just isn’t the way God works. I think taking time to relax, be grounded, and allowing your nervous system to rest combined with the desire to transcend will result in miracles.
One of my favorite author/speakers is Dr. Brene Brown. Something I read in her book “Atlas of the Heart” was a huge “Aha” for me. “Times when I’m most resentful is when I’m deep into burnout and don’t think everyone is working as hard as I am. Turns out I’m not mad because people aren’t working as hard, I’m envious because they are taking care of themselves.”
This 100% used to be me and now that I am taking care of myself, I now sometimes struggle with a new emotion of feeling like I am going to be judged for being lazy or for not having grand results in my life. But I am getting better at both not judging other people and especially not judging myself. In fact, I’ve discovered, that the judging of others was only ever to justify my own behavior (which was bereft of emotion and especially lacked self-examination).
The truth is we don’t ever know what another person is experiencing and we most need to reign in our energy from what is going on out there with anyone else and focus it inward. What about my behavior seems to be ineffective? What is causing me to be a particular way that I haven’t yet discovered? What can I do to change it going forward? And why? For me, that is to have more access to inner peace and joy… regardless of what is happening in the world at large. I believe one of the best ways we can change the world is through our own contentedness… one heart popping open like a popcorn kernel, until that spreads among us, and the whole world is full of popped kernels.
I love Dr. Nicole LePera (@the.holistic.psychologist and also @selfhealers.circle on Instagram). She offers a lot of free resources for the healing journey on her website
https://theholisticpsycholgist.com
I just ordered her free download “Future Self Journal” on the website. She encourages sharing copyright free information from that resource so I plan to do that sometime in a future article.
Meanwhile, I’m in Michigan for a few days as my dad is having a minor outpatient heart procedure done on Monday that I felt like I should be here for. Plus, I needed to bring back the suitcase full of my daughter’s winter clothes that I brought back from Spain. The sunset when I arrived was beautiful. The weather feels perfectly “Spring” and I’m looking forward to refreshing my mom’s flower garden like I used to do for her every Mother’s Day, so I’m keeping this shorter than usual this week. Hopefully that is refreshing for you, as well!
As always, I do apologize for any missed typographical and/or grammatical errors I may have missed. Happy healing and thank you, with my whole popped open heart, for being here!
Love you, sister 🥰